I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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