Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
