Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
