I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
