woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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