I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
