when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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