Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
