I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
