I cannot find my penis.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
