Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
