cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
