you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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