New low: just hacked my moms facebook
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
