This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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