I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
