so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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