upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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