I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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