Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
