I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
