from now on my penis is your penis
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
