Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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