I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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