a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
