I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
