She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I could fuck to npr.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
