You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize