True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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