The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
