You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
