I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just google imaged poop.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
