The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize