New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
