He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
