If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need water and some morals
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
