Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
