On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
