i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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