fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize