I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
