The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize