Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
