I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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