remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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