Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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