took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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