so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
