hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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