I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
