Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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