cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
