I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
