I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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