i love accidental penises.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
