Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
operation harelip BJ is a go
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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