That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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