I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize