I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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