I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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