Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
