lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
