You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
