I'm going to jail i love you
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
