I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
