ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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