Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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